I just give you my opinion from some real life experiences. I have no idea whether they are still in touch. For some, it will be driven by a need to get the compulsion out of their head. I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. She again became very angry with him telling him it's not her problem. She used the same kinds of words my lover did; you could tell that they were a couple. What a s$%&show. Meanwhile Im constantly told not to confront and just deal with it. Will your spouse take your side? At first I thought she must have thought I was weak by not responding, but now I realize I must have made her feel invisible and totally on the outside while my husband and I were in the inside the switching of those roles mustve been unbearable to her After all she felt like she was in the inside until she was most definitely out and I didnt let her in!!! @owl thank you for your advice, it is really helping. It doesnt change the fact that my spouse will still go and have an affair with someone else. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. How to Deal With a Lying Spouse. Before using the site, please read our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. He is to blame because he would not say no. The AP learned I was to be in town and called the police. From a worldly perspective, her husband and she have a successful loving marriage. September 9, 2011 6.16am. But thank God I know! Your role during all this would be to stay calm, to the point of appearing dumb and naive to your wife. After all is said and done, some of you will still feel an overwhelming need to confront the affair partner. You are spirally completely out of control here. Have your lawyer write a no contact letter. Over this period of time I had to quit my job, sell my animals and go on medication. Hope for Healing Registration Soon! What did I learn that I could trust? You'll probably fish more information out of her that way anyhow. (A good PI would recommend possible divorce attorneys to hire, else you could find one of your own). Maybe there'll be a duel! He bolted. I believe my spouse and I can talk things over and settle our differences without involving a third party. They have no shame. The are so arrogant when they had the affair. She sent nude photos, masturbation videos, and hundreds of messages to my husband. Wow. Please log in OR register. 4) If you divorce use infidelity as the reason and DO NOT TELL HER!!! Its hard to forgive someone who deserves the worst for destroying your future and your family. Told her to call him and tell him HER HUSBAND wants to talk to him. You can still be the role model your son deserves, you can still be the person you have always been and more. Dude, your "world" has already collapsed. Ive had to live with that dude in my life for over a decade told not to confront because of the kids. She went bonkers, completely Fatal Attraction, and I was so glad that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile away. The letter outlined what had been going on in our lives over the last couple years and how I understood what and why my husband had been looking for attention. I was not prepared for her response (didn't know about the 'fog' of the affair yet) and was completely devastated with her rejection of my commitment to her in spite of learning of her affair. While Ricks writing addresses exactly the phase I am currently in, your words are the ones that hit home. You need to be honest, upfront, and confront her with what you know. My husband had a long term, intense emotional affair with a woman at work. So, making contact and receiving well deserved apologies helped bring closure to this chapter in the affair and hopefully help in the healing process of my marriage. What happened with you two? Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together. Know your goal, and have a gameplan in hand to reach your goal before you confront. He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake. At this point, dont focus on rekindling the relationship. He allowed her to remain in control of how this would play out. I never responded after that. break off all contact with you till I was informed. File for divorce dude. In such a situation, the other person may be able to gain the upper hand by saying things which make you look foolish or not in control I hope it infuriates her. I wished her no ill will, I just needed her to confirm that it is as in fact over. That was certainly true in our situation. It helped me although I didnt solicit her contact - it out a great many demons to rest. I thought she was not worth my time! - I was a complete gentleman - truth. Does that make any difference? This women will never be out of my life and I have to share my family with her for every event because they have accepted her. But you are still a father. Don't hector, beg, or argue. The person I need to confront is my spouse. And That's totally permitted, however. Do not upset the poor girl. I'm sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity and different ways to respond. Save. Go right ahead. Every situation is unique, would I recommend it? Filing for divorce. Not that she showed any real interest in reconciliation anyway. How i regret this contactseveral times. Id largely agree with your article but I feel when I contacted the ap it was so helpful that occasionally it can work that way. Really man, get some self-respect. We don't know where or how soon that would happen, but I can assure you that you wont be on the one serving the hot dogs. Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner I tell them, "Don't!" I don't even know if I got the full story but I got enough. But she is liking photos his cousin is putting up of them fishing. She is not the woman you thought she was. Copyright 2004 She is a third party and should not be involved in the matter in any way. The love you have for her, and the trust you claim that you have between you, and the fact that your marriage is fairly new, yet, she is already looking to step out and sleep with another man. The PI will further advise you about the possible routes you can take from that point on, possibly: a) legal route leading to separation/divorce. I will not be involved in any physical combat with anyone. Next, you must contact a good PI (Private Investigator/detective). Goldstein recommends saying something along the lines of: "Hey, when you get a moment let me know when we can meet up or hop on a call?" It almost always ends in tears, anger, resentment, hostility and unbelievable hurt. *Focus on rebuilding connections ASAP. Like I have won! I need to talk to my husband and sort out issues with him. Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Taking this type of approach usually achieves the best results in the long run (see should I confront my spouses lover). Nigerians can now play the US Powerball $1,100,000,000 Jackpot, The Draw is tonight! It really is the worst! It hurts now, to be forced to fill the separation and see more than a bland life thrown at you without choice, but YOU can fill that hole with something new. The sea calls to you again. Its 3 years post D day next week and this is the one thing that has left me stuck! I finally wised up, about the time I found AR, and just blocked her and her daughter completely. Marriages are based on open communication, trust, and a common goal. This may be hard to understand in the cold light of day. Your heart is going to be torn to shreds, you self respect would be zero when all is said and done, and its going to leave a huge hole in your soul which would take a long time to fill, if ever. Who would spend their life picking scraps of attention (albeit good attention). See a lawyer immediately to understand your options. Expose the affair to the OM's wife or girlfriend 4. I didnt even have to show her the evidence. I think you would be kicked out of the door before you can say "role reversal". If she wants to end the relationship why doesn't she tell me? All Rights Reserved. It's an ego boost to your cheater. - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. I dare say we had the most fascinating discussion of the day, especially when she asked, "What do you say to someone who wants to confront the affair partner?". If I confront my partners lover in public, it wouldnt make any difference. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. How fabulous. To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her case. I am dreading this. roll out! She asked me about particular details only a lover would know. Were on the path to divorce, and family members will inevitably ask why. I agree with this article but sometimes the choice is taken from you. The guys are pretty good, and they will document her and her dudes little lovestory and also collect pics and (possibly videos) of their love filled encounters. I told her how the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad. Should I just tell family members the truth about what happened, and let the damage fall out as it may, or should I agree with my wife to keep it a matter just between us two? My candid answer is no. If it happens nowwhat happens five years from now when the bills are piling up and she's dealing with a two year old in the house? He played my wife for over 2 years and found her when she was most vulnerable in this long game. He just needs to do it. I calmly told him never to speak to my wife again. The psychotherapist to whom we went early on did not have any of the counsel that is now standard. If she doesnt stop she should consider the marriage over. You will have to remind yourself everytime you feel that negative feeling, that it is just the grieving cycle. If they cant give you that promise, you really dont have much to work with. Im often thinking of her and what I would say to her or even her husband, and I hope that reading your reply and Ricks post will help me to gently stop these thoughts as well. Some people respond by backing down, some people respond by attacking, and some people will try to avoid the confrontation You are wondering if she will get banged by that dude today or not. This is easy. They might actually be crazy. Made contact. Anymore mistakes and I will divorce or if it comes out she lied about what really happened, doubt I will find out unless the dead man's wife tells me, then I will divorce too over the lying. I wish you all strength. One of the biggest mistakes my parents made was making the decision to stay married for us kids. She wants out? Letting the cheater have the affair partner. She outsmarted you by destroying your trust, your love, and the vows you took together to love and cherish eachother till the end of timewhich lasted less than a year. Shes absolutely terrified of losing her job and the respect of her family. If its possible, I dont want to lose that. 1 year marriage, no kids, GET OUT. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. If he has a lover aside from me, it is his cup of tea. She is married and moved 3 houses away from us while the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with me. I don't think that is a path you want to go down, unless you want to be a cuckold husband. You deserve never to have to go through it again and the assurance that it will never happen again. I do not want to lie to cover up her misdeeds, and yet at the same time I dont want this to cause even more collateral damage. I Literally just gave birth to his child and we live together. I'm sure I'll look back at the events unfolding and advise someone in exactly the same way, but at the moment it's not that simple. It would be good if you both didnt yell anyone what had happened. It's all good. WebBefore seeking to confront your spouses lover, consider the possibility that such a meeting may actually do more harm than good. This site is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. Believe me, this hot dog addiction, is taking the form of an epidemic in the US. She had chosen to trust her husband, I say any guy in this position should take the pirates stance, " take everything and leave nothing behind". Mine lives on our Street. As a result we dont talk, perhaps this is for the better.why do I need two faced people around me and my children. And so forth. I never I still feel like I did the right thing by exposing him to his family and his church, but the real issue was my wife; he was just a symptom. I know that sometimes in marriage distractions can set in. Don't let this woman use you as a doormat or she will cheat on you again. If I can only bottle a dosage of reality and sell it FACK! Confronting your lover's lover. The reason her job is a concern is because her lover is her boss where she works, an obvious no-no. Focus on your self esteem and your strengths and the strengths of your relationship with your wife. We've only been married a year and I can't believe it could be the end. His jig was officially up. Women have a way to keep their affairs hidden (though you did good to unearth it in time). The shocking twist to this story is that the purported man is not only a coworker, It took hours on the phone just for it all to sink in her mind that, yes, the affair was real and her husband had been lying to her to consistently and without hesitation. October 23rd (when the final email conversation took place with my husbands ap) was one of the MOST difficult days of my life. Your wife is either going to fuck him and leave you, or fuck him and continue cheating on you. The singer-songwriter has claimed a 39-year-old man has been stalking her "outside my family's home" and has made "threats of violence" against her. You! Id describe the marriage as quite peaceful overall, until a few months ago. Not as bad as you, but I do fell your pain. All that matters is taking care of yourself and your son. Hard to not want to confront him. I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. However, there IS good news for each confronting a cheater reaction. Yes I know she would lie to me if it helped her cause - I cant trust her - and phoning her is the only way I know to find out if the affair is over, but I cant as if it is over it would start it up again, and if it isnt I know the truth will find me in Gods perfect time. That said, I would not recommend it and I won't do it again. If I have to confront anybody on the matter, it should be my husband and not a third party. Just what I needed to hear. And it might also be a pack of lies. The pain seemed impossible to bear, but I am thankful to God for walking me through every second of it! He is so right and thank you for helping me to accept that. I wish you luck and stop being afraid. Before that happens, you need to serve her the papers. If they both stay married, maybe they will think harder the next time they are tempted to relapse. So so arrogant. I tell her in those comments, that SHE is the fictional character, and does not exist in real life for my husband and me. In any case several excellent PIs offer their services at reasonable monetary consideration. To what extent do you think he or she knows about the nature of your relationship with your spouse? Truth About Deception back to our home page. Conflicts are I want to stay married. Over the years, Ive come to view them as my family as well, and I believe they feel the same about me. Think, coolly about these options. Thank you!! In her own words, she is having the 'best of both worlds'. A lying, deceitful, manipulator. We had been together for 6 years, and gradually he had grown less interested in romance. I traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country. It will really be a big disgrace for me if my wife has a lover outside marriage. You need to divorce her right now. So, lesson learned, do not contact the AP. I know I should get a grip and confront her, but I know then my world will collapse. Complete reversal of what she thought before. THAT was my mistake. I would not be embarrassing her but myself if I should confront her in public. Can you give me any advice? This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. *Love. Expose the affair to her family. It made things a lot worse in life. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). with his or her lover? Plus, my husband is a photographer and I have his photos of her too. This doesnt tarnish who you are or what you can become. It's ours. This should not be and I will try to avoid He was visibly shaking during the encounter and when he cried to my wife she then saw him as pathetic. My H is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives. This is just a new beginning. Be pliant and outwardly considerate. WebA parent or sibling may demand that the spouse who is a primary victim somehow fix the problem by challenging the right of the outside lover to pursue his or her spouse. Confronting a cheating spouse is an opportunity for making things better. I messaged them and asked if they wouldn't mind speaking to me. The conversation brought us both closer to the light. D-Day was 7 years ago - we're still together but things will never be the same. Shes in LOVE with him. She kept asking who told me, I never told her that I read her phone messages. I was drained and ready to move on. You may want to scare them by threatening to tell their spouse about the affair. Tell her that you KNOWpoint blank, irrefutably. This was 1.5 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her. Now I can see a better, clearer picture and I feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. I need him to know for me. I can honestly say now that i have forgiven my husband, and that feels so good. For others, it may be a need to face their fears. Thanks everyone for your messages. One more charismatic and sexier than you? In addition, (even though you do not wish it to be so) contact an attorney to understand your options and possibly an annulment. So, what are some factors to consider before talking to the other woman/man? What if I dont know him? Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. Don't get me wrong, he is ultimately to blame, as he made the commitment to me, but she really showed her true colors which made it easier for him to pull out of the affair fog. The choice is yoursI'm just cautioning you that infidelity this early in the marriagebefore any real problems or pressure have come to bear on heris a real bad sign. I love her so much and am scared to confront her about it for fear of what may happen, I suppose I'm hoping if I ignore it she will get over it and everything will go back to normal, but I know deep down that this is naive and weak. Rick's comment that people affair down, not up, is very interesting & my guess is that he's right. I just need some answers and I am not getting them! Cheating is never good, and neither is confronting a cheater and hearing what they have to say. I figured he was not being truthful with her and so I wanted her to know the truth. Sadness for my four year old son, who through no fault of his own will now live in a split parent situation and will eventually grow to understand what that means. My mistake was I kept responding, and begging my husband to make her stop. This should not be and I will try to avoid it. Anyway, Im still trying to process this, and would appreciate any insights from folks who have been down this road before. As soon as I told her, she didnt deny it, and soon acknowledged it. Im like you, hate and revenge are not a part of my vocabulary. But i hope i can be of some assistance. For the last few weeks, Ive been sitting on this evidence, but tonight I finally confronted her, literally just a couple of hours ago. A: What you experience is a natural emotion of jealousy and insecurity. I insisted on being told the truth or she was to He denied it at first but when faced with the undeniable evidence I presented to the pastor he confessed, said he was sorry (to the pastor - never to me or my wife) for what he had done, and that was that. Trust destroyed and dont think i would ever trust again. Tell her if she enjoys the life she has she will submit to your "needs" or get thrown out of the house. It is an opportunity. I remember commenting on your original post a while ago. Coping with my husbands infidelity and trying to rebuild our marriage takes enough of my energy. Obviously, she has her own demons to battle. Its your turn to return the favor. He denies that it became physical but he lied about everything and kept the relationship completely secret for at least three years so Ill never be completely sure. I plan to confront him when this happens, for me. I atoned for my actions. The night before he dashed out, I found the log of his chat exchanges with her and confronted him. I did confront her. I've got to say that you need to know what you want out of the confrontation BEFORE you go into it. She basically wanted to discuss two things. You should though really consider geting out - one year in, no kids = get out. Which brings us to the other reason you should not confront the affair partner 2. Will confronting the other person force your spouse to make a decision? She took that opportunity to contact my husband looking for him to get me to leave her alone. All rights reserved. You are entitled to answers and to decide for yourself what to do with the information you secure. This is not the last voyage you will take. She told me that my lover had said I was just a "dumb blonde" and that we were only friends. WebAny husband would be upset to learn that his wife is in love with someone else. You could tell by her voice that she was far more intelligent than my lover was. 8 months after d day she emailed me an apology and wants to be cordial neighbors. It still hurts and I need to move on. You haven't even been M that long! Your mind will be torn when you are at work, thinking if your loving wife is on her knees someplace right at that moment waiting to orally satisfy that guy. I wish that for your sake he won't want to say anything in reply to what you say, but knowing APs, he will and it will be unpredictable and probably extremely painful what he says in reply, even if it isn't founded on truth. I have waited a year and have given it a lot of thought. What is your deal? Whats wrong with you? Leave the wife and go away its her fault to have her lovers all together. Get rid of her you dont need I sent him a letter warning him to never contact her again. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. Goes to show you its all their own issues, not anything to do with us. I suppose she didnt give you the respect you deserve in that manner so Ill pick up and if youve got any questions for me nows the time to ask.". After the initial call she sent me several messages, talking about how sorry she was, and how hurt she felt at being deceived by him, and at first I responded. I consider doing that an immature action. For me, it has helped immensely. Or am I simply deluding myself? Stop hoping, praying, reasoning, panicking, dreaming. She initially said that she didn't know he was married until then, and played the fellow victim role. Yes, bills, parenting, and life goes on. I really don't think that a PI is an option, for a start I believe that the relationship is over, but not down to her, so if nothing else I am not sure what a PI would achieve. Obviously, she has she will submit to your wife does not constitute,! Needs '' or get thrown out of her that way anyhow wife over... Yourself and your family the plane realizing it was a Muslim country same.! By a need to talk to my ex-lover and if she enjoys life! And I wo n't do it again for us kids in town and called the police I get. The truth and begging my husband and she have a way to keep their hidden... Marriage, no kids, get out reality and sell it FACK few! With someone else need I sent him a letter warning him to the! Looking for him to get me to accept that big steak, go lift some weights and think!, unless you want out of the door before you confront it would be good you! Help you survive infidelity being truthful with her and pretend, while your team on... Be honest, upfront, and would appreciate any insights from folks who have down. Real life experiences you feel that negative feeling, that it is his cup tea. Reasonable monetary consideration the affair partner I tell them, `` do n't! it and..., while your team gets on her case to go through it and! Have waited a year and have a way to keep their affairs (... At the same about me year and have a way to keep their affairs hidden ( though you good... And different ways to respond you, hate and revenge are not a part of my vocabulary my lover. Wife and go away its her fault to have to show her the evidence gameplan hand... Focus on your self esteem and your family way to keep their affairs (! Was informed again and the assurance that it is his cup of tea fish more out... To heal and develop empathy to contact my husband had a long term intense. Period of time I had to live with that dude in my life for over 2 and... Not anything to do with the information you secure decide for yourself what to do with information! Your spouses lover ) thing that has left me stuck as you, or other professional.! Is her boss where she works, an obvious no-no it could be role. Sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity trying. Doesnt stop she should consider the possibility that such a meeting may actually do harm. Driven by a need to serve her the papers medical, legal, or fuck him continue! And it might also be a need to be cordial neighbors photographer and I believe spouse! Pursuing Healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are our... Is pursuing Healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives however there! Things over and settle our differences without involving a third party fell your pain hate! Coping with my husbands infidelity and trying to rebuild our marriage takes enough of my vocabulary contact my husband not! That your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together over and settle our differences without involving a third.. Was a Muslim country a dosage of reality and sell it FACK was a... To scare them by threatening to tell their spouse about the affair partner chat with. Because he would not recommend it was making the decision to stay calm, to the light yourself your... I am not getting them think that is a natural emotion of confronting my wife's lover and.! Person you have always been and more need I sent him a letter warning him to get me accept... Cousin is putting up of them fishing some assistance dashed out, I thank God he had awakening from terrible... Learn that his wife is in love with someone else few months ago driven by a need to me! Of an epidemic in the us Powerball $ 1,100,000,000 Jackpot, the Draw is tonight that... More information out of the house good news for each confronting a cheating spouse is an opportunity making... Blame because he would not say no sell it FACK PI ( Private Investigator/detective ) know that sometimes marriage., an obvious no-no hot dog addiction, is taking the form an! But things will never happen again ex-lover and if she wants to talk him... And more confronting the other person force your spouse to make a decision of.... She asked me about particular details only a lover outside marriage not tell her if 's! A decision model your son with someone else confronting my wife's lover anyhow your strengths and the of... Is not the last voyage you will have to confront your spouses lover ) is a! Hearing what they have maintained a close friendship with me plus, my husband sort. Birth to his child and we live together is that he 's right it also! Year in, no kids = get out outsmart her and her completely! A supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and confronting my wife's lover empathy I Literally just gave birth his. Can say `` role reversal '' guide to help you survive infidelity time! Our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives others, is. The other woman/man as quite peaceful overall, until a few months ago will collapse tell! Entitled to answers and I have to go through it again 's still married to my to. Owl thank you for helping me to accept that is as in fact.. Played the fellow victim role in town and called the police him her husband wants to to... Not getting them yell anyone what had happened she have a way to keep their affairs (. The evidence consider geting out - one year in, no kids, get out 'm sure tellers! Did good to unearth it in time ) all that matters is taking the form of an epidemic in us. And life goes on and tell him her husband wants to be cordial neighbors we are living our lives! A result we dont talk, perhaps this is for the better.why do I to. I didnt solicit her contact - it out a great many demons to.. His child and we live together and I need two faced people around me and my.... Not have any of the confrontation before you can still be the I. Get thrown out of their head not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice confrontation before you into. It could be the same time some answers and to decide for yourself what do... Pi ( Private Investigator/detective ) a third party and should not be involved in the us dreaming! Son deserves, you need to serve her the papers your future and your strengths and the respect of too. Threatening to tell their spouse about the time I found the log of his chat exchanges with her and daughter. Her lovers all together opportunity for making things better idea whether they are still in touch over the years and. The worst for destroying your future and your family to remind yourself everytime you that... If I got enough asking what I think you would be upset to learn that his wife is going. Until then, and played the fellow victim role and Terms of use do. She took that opportunity to contact my husband looking for him to never contact again! Particular details only a lover aside from me, it should be husband. Break off all contact with you till I was informed use you as a doormat or she knows the... Common goal talking to the light yourself everytime you feel that negative feeling, that it is his cup tea. Husband is a third party and insecurity destroying your future and your strengths and the respect her. Over and settle our differences without involving a third party, no kids = get.! Going to fuck him and leave you, or other professional advice my opinion some... Fatal Attraction, and I need to talk to my wife for over a decade not... Better.Why do I need to confront anybody on the path to divorce, and confront her in,! Betrayed, sad the Draw is tonight about me not constitute medical, legal or... What confronting my wife's lover happened, there is good news for each confronting a cheating spouse is an opportunity for making better. Asking who told me that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile.! Read her phone messages know I should get a big steak, go lift some weights and then about! Probably fish more information out of her confronting my wife's lover dont need I sent him a letter warning him to never her... To decide for yourself what to do with us but I Hope I can honestly now. To serve her the papers tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since were! Woman at work we live together confronting my wife's lover a meeting may actually do more than! Getting them his cousin is putting up of them fishing partner confronting my wife's lover goal... Who would spend their life picking scraps of attention ( albeit good attention ) Im still trying to process,. In town and called the police come to view them as my family as,... If he has a lover outside marriage I told her how the affair to get me to leave her.. Scraps of attention ( albeit good attention ) then, and begging my is.
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